"WHEN DID YOU LAST SEE YOUR MOTHER?"

30 images of MATCH Members apart from their children

This exhibition marks the run up to our 30th anniversary in 2009.

In 1979 Peg English, a divorced American living in London, wrote to The Guardian to ask if there were other divorcees living apart from their children as she was, and who might like to meet for mutual support.

From the very first meeting in London - many were surprised to find there were others "like them" - self-help groups across the UK were established, and a newsletter printed to reach those unable to meet.

The circumstances in which mothers were apart widened to include those whose children had been fostered or adopted. A few had had children abducted abroad by their father, or had children living abroad with their father. And some had had rows with adult children. But nearly all mothers apart, whatever their varied circumstances, had not seen their children for one or more decades.

By far the largest category, then as now, included those whose children had become alienated from them after painful relationship breakdown. These children chose, apparently "of their own free will" not to see their mothers. Their ages ranged from as young as 4 up to young adults in their late twenties.

The prime purpose of MATCH then, as now, was to offer non-judgemental emotional support and informal advice to all mothers either face-to-face, by telephone or by letter, but mostly through the MATCH quarterly Newsletter which has always confronted Members' tragic issues. The Newsletter was, and still is, viewed by all Members as their only means of emotional support.

In September 2006, building on 27 years of non-judgemental support, MATCH achieved charitable status after two years of hard work by the then chair, Marion Jay, and the then treasurer, Kate Barnes.

Today the Trustees - still mothers who are or who have been apart from their children -  continue the tradition of unpaid voluntary support.  And the work is still carried out from their private homes.

MATCH remains true to its original concept of self-help. The best support for a mother apart is from another mother apart.  Nearly every MATCH Member on finding MATCH describes her feelings as a huge relief to find “I’m not the only one.”

Alienated mothers, representing the largest number of MATCH Members, refer to the ease with which loving children have been manipulated against them despite having enjoyed, up to the point of family breakdown, a natural mother-child relationship.

These mothers, grief-stricken at the lack of protection for their children from the courts and/or other authorities, witness the subtle process of deliberate alienation by one or several family members. They report their children's use of "highly unusual mature language" to describe reasons children don't want to see them.

Battling through the Family Courts for a Contact Order to see or maintain contact with their children, mothers may be given one (or infrequently a Shared Residence Order) but these are often ignored or flouted by the Resident Parent.

Many MATCH Members initiated the ending of their marital relationships because of emotional abuse and/or excessively cruel physical violence. They're then judged harshly by their own children as well as family members, all long-term witnesses to the abuse. However, and perhaps more crucially, mothers are condemned by a society and media whose out-dated stereotyping of all mothers needs close examination. As a result of this perceived public stigma of living apart from their children, many mothers apart remain secretive about their children.

When you look at each image of these MATCH mothers, some of whom are now apart from grandchildren as well as children, remember two things: firstly, their mothering roles have come to an end because their children say they no longer want them in their lives and, secondly, these MATCH mothers yearn to return to their natural mothering roles to support their children's long-term wellbeing.

Through this online exhibition, MATCH pays tribute to three decades of courageous, warm-hearted extraordinary women whose financial and personal contributions of time, talent, experience, warmth, humour and wisdom to lessen the grief of mothers apart are legendary. 

If any previous MATCH Members would like to take part in this exhibition, please contact me. We'd love to hear from you, particularly this year, and to learn if MATCH helped you in any way.

Penny Cross

MATCH Chair and Trustee

January 2009

[Images will be added throughout 2009]